I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
