Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
