No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
