Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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