I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
