I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
