When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
