bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
