No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
