My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
love makes seman taste better
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
