There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
