im holly from the hills drunk
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
