you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
