I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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