I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize