Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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