Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
