I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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