She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
