Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize