btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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