In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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