I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
