shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
