Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
