A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
