im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
