My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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