Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Houston, we have a blender
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
