i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i out mim tonsoeep
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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