I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
