I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
