i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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