As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
