she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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