I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
