He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
