My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have aggressive nipples.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
