I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
His hands were made for my vagina.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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