Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
