WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize