I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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