are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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