I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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