sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
