it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize