Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
