On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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