We won't sleep together?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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