My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
