i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
