this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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