you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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