I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
