her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize