Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
