So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
