I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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