I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize