If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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