dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
