Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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