ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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