Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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